Asking for help from other grandparents out there

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Joshuagmama Posted: Mon, Aug 10 2009 11:16 AM

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Hi Folks - My grandson who will be 4 in early Nov. was just diagnosed with Type 1 this past Friday.  I live 170 miles away in another part of NYS, so received this bad news on the phone.  My first remarks to his mother, my daughter, were of course sympathy and empathy, shock, dismay, lots of on-the-phone crying, etc. you've probably all been through this.  How do you other g'parents cope in this situation, and what do you parents want most from your own parents and in-laws?  We're all still reeling, as you can imagine, any helpful thoughts are appreciated!  (You aunts and uncles, feel free to chime in too)

Joshua's G'mama

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Spirit replied on Mon, Aug 10 2009 12:12 PM

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Sorry to hear about Joshua's diagnosis.  I'm sure you are reeling from the news and it will take a while to settle down from it.  Joshua's parents will be going through a lot of learning, guided by professionals schooled in diabetes care.  The best thing you can do is LISTEN right now.  Sometimes friends can get kind of glassy eyed when confronted with too much medical talk.  You can be the person your daughter can turn to when she needs to just re-hash everything and talk it all through.  If you don't understand something, ask her to explain.  Sometimes we ourselves learn best when we have to teach it to others.

The best thing to avoid is becoming what we diabetics call "the diabetes police".  There are a lot of myths out there about diabetes and what diabetics can and cannot eat.  Joshua may well eat something that many people would instantly think is bad for diabetics.  One of the most annoying things is to have someone say in a critical manner "Are you sure you should be letting Joshua eat that?"  A sure fire way to make your daughter feel defensive.  There have been lots of changes in the treatment of diabetes and children have special needs because they are growing and developing while they are managing diabetes.  My nephew was diagnosed with diabetes at the age of 3.  In order for him to avoid going too low during the night (NOT a good thing, especially in children!) he had to eat a sugary snack before bedtime.  When his mother was feeding him a bowl of regular ice cream before bedtime she got some very disapproving looks from visiting neighbors until she explained that he really NEEDED that sugar in order to make it through the night without problems and that his doctor had advised her to do just what she was doing.

So, if you are trying to educate yourself about Joshua's care, by all means ask about his diet, but try to avoid unspoken criticism.  Your daughter will undoubtedly know what she is doing and will be happy to explain why he needs X number of carbohydrates at a particular time.

The Joslin Cenetr publishes a great book about diabetes and I suggest you order it so you can learn about this new development in Joshua's life.

Lastly, I know several children who are diabetic.  Yes, they do have to work some extra things into their lives.  But kids are kids and very soon they take it all in stride.  The shock will wear off and diabetic routines will be put in place and recede a bit into the background.  Then your grandson will be Joshua with all his unique and wonderful Joshua-traits.  And, oh by the way, he's diabetic, too, but that's not the thing that makes him special.  He's special just because he is Joshua.

Spirit

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Debbie Butler replied on Thu, Aug 13 2009 9:38 AM

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I am sorry for the delay in responding to your posting.  I had drafted a response that got deleted by accident.  You sound like a very supportive grandmother and I am glad that you are asking for help. This will be a big adjustment for everyone. I agree with everything that Spirit said and I hope that some others will reply to you as well.  I would encourage you to ask your daughter how you can help her.  If she has other children she may want some help taking care of the other children while she is focusing on Joshua's diabetes. Sometimes parents also like it when someone else can come to their child’s diabetes visits to either take care of the children or so that they can also hear everything that the health care provider is teaching about diabetes.  I hope you continue to use these discussion boards but I also want to let you know about some other internet supports for grandparents as well.  On the children with diabetes.com website there is a forum just for grandparents:  http://forums.childrenwithdiabetes.com/ The JDRF also has forums just for family members:  http://juvenation.org/forums/  Good luck!

-Debbie Butler, MSW, CDE

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susanann50 replied on Thu, Aug 13 2009 10:04 PM

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Hi, I just came across this website tonight and found your post.  My son is a grown man now, but he was diagnosed at age 4 with type 1, and my parents lived out of state (we live in NY and my parents lived in Mo.) and my in-laws didn't want to babysit and we often felt very alone with caring for him.  It's encouraging that even though you live 170 miles away, you're concerned and want to help them.  I think it would be great if you can learn as much as you can about type 1 diabetes and support them in any way you can.  Hopefully they will get Joshua on a pump soon, it will really help with his control.  By the way, I am also now a type 1 diabetic, and my son and I are both on the pump and it has made a huge difference in our lives!  Best wishes, Sue