Update on Tor

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whalen replied on Sun, Sep 6 2009 10:06 AM

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Dear Tor,

I can only imagine what a nightmare this has been for you.  My prayers are with you.  I am so glad you posted.  I have nothing to offer you but my thoughts and prayers but you have those in abundance.

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Tor replied on Sun, Sep 6 2009 12:36 PM

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Thanks Bill and Kat. Bill, I haven't seen the exact diagnosis as I don't have access to Vida's medical records but it definitely was a combination of some form of schizophrenia and paranoia. In trying to understand what happened I've been doing some research with the limited access I have. From the coroner's office, which investigates whenever there isw a suicide, I learned she died of a massive overdose of her prescription medications that included anti-psychotic drugs, anti depressants, powerful painkillers and sleep medications. So quite the cocktail. I also learned that there had been a couple of previous episodes. In one she had deserted her first husband and daughter when Anita was three, and Anita didn't manage to find/reuinite with her mom until she was close to 20. The second time she left her second husband John abruptly while he was visiting his parents and he came home to find an empty apartment. This time she did what one could call a final exit, but no less abrupt than the previous ones. I also learned that she had invited my younger sister over from Norway and met with her in June. She had convinced her that I was a derelict alcoholic, had abused her and that she needed help from my family to escape from me. Hence my family's refusal to have anything to do with me. In fact, the first phone call I had after I learned Vida was dead was from my sister yelling that I was responsible for depriving her of a sister in law and my parents of a daughter in law and that horrible things would happen to me until I fessed up and started attending daily AA meetings.

Anyhow, this knowledge is helping me understand what happened and hence speed the healing process. I am trying to find a lawyer who can help me pro bono but if not then worldly goods, even a sailboat like Chantress, can all be replaced. A glimmer of good news is that although she transferred the company to a friend of hers, two of the most important customers have refused to work with him and have told me they will wait until I'm back on my feet with my own business and services.

Unfortunately part of this picture is that there still is a lot of stigma attached to mental illness and it is not the kind of thing people talk easily about. You are more likely to hear someone say they have breast cancer or hepatitis than that they are bipolar and manic depressive. But when the mental illness hits home, it can be at least as devastating as any of the more common physical ailments.

Tor

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Tor replied on Sun, Sep 6 2009 12:39 PM

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Thanks Galemarie. A nightmare it has been but as with all nightmares they do eventually come to an end. I'm now feeling strong enough to work on the rebuilding process, which will include getting and staying on track with my physical health e.g. my diabetes.

Tor

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Jorgie replied on Sun, Sep 6 2009 2:12 PM

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Tor,

Be assured, our thoughts and prayers are with you.

jorgie

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Spirit replied on Sun, Sep 6 2009 6:19 PM

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Tor:  I am so sorry for the pain you have been undergoing.  Be strong, my friend.  I am glad to hear your voice here again.  Perhaps this can be part of your healing.

Spirit

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Ron AKA replied on Sun, Sep 6 2009 10:36 PM

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Tor that is an almost unbelievable situation. I can't start to feel what you must be going through. I would suggest getting in touch with legal aid. I think they will at least provide you with the basic services.

Wishing you all the best in getting through this,

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Tor replied on Sun, Sep 6 2009 11:23 PM

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Thanks Ron. The way legal aid works at least here in BC is that it is available only in criminal cases where someone is at risk of going to jail, or in family cases where the welfare of children is at stake. For everyone else it's a wakeup call as to the cost of justice. However, there are some non-profit societies that offer the pro bono services of lawyers so I'm hoping to get some help that way. Tor

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jen1229 replied on Mon, Sep 7 2009 12:19 AM

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Tor:

I am so sorry to hear of your troubles. I have been thinking of you and praying for you. I am glad to hear that you are beginning to get things back in order.   I know that you will continue to be strengthened. 

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Spirit replied on Mon, Sep 7 2009 8:58 AM

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Tor:  Is there a law school near you?  Third year law students can do a lot of the research and grunt work under the supervision of an attorney.  Might be a way to get some of the preliminary work done.  Since they are not admitted to the CBA students work pro bono. 

Spirit

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Julie_ replied on Mon, Sep 7 2009 10:04 AM

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Tor,

It is good to hear from you.  Like everyone else, I am horrified that a nice person like you has had so much pain to deal with.  Keep fighting as I know you will, my friend.  You will get past this.

Julie

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Joe replied on Mon, Sep 7 2009 10:47 AM

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Tor:

A nightmare it has been but as with all nightmares they do eventually come to an end. I'm now feeling strong enough to work on the rebuilding process, which will include getting and staying on track with my physical health e.g. my diabetes.

Tor:

This is an incredible situation that shouldn't have happened to such a decent person as yourself.  I do know that you're a strong person who can come back from this nightmare and it's clear that you're well into that process now.  I wish you all the very best and just want you to know that you and your daughter are in our thoughts and prayers.

Joe

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Tor replied on Mon, Sep 7 2009 11:56 AM

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Thanks Joe and everyone for your helpful thoughts.

One thing that has happened through this process is that I've gained a greater respect both for the human mind and for health care professionals.

The latter because when I was at my lowest, having just learned that my wife was dead, that she had committed suicide, that her family had had her cremated and the ashes spead before I even knew she was dead, that her family had taken possession of everything we owned and were threatening to have me killed, that I was out of a job because the company prior to her death had been transferred to someone else, that my own family blamed me for Vida's death and had vowed never to speak to me again, at that point I had what I suppose was a nervous breakdown, hearing voices and feeling close to suicidal myself. Fortunately I went to my doctor who booked me in to a rehabilitation center where a team of a doctor, nurse and therapist trained in treating trauma as well as PTSD got me back on my feet again. I particularly remember a nurse Cathy who was assigned to me and who repeatedly kept saying that people are responsible for themselves and that it was Vida, not I or anyone else, that killed Vida.

The former (mind) because after I came home, I've spent many sleepless nights and mornings thinking. To begin with the thoughts were fragmented and racing in all directions. Slowly but surely things started to make sense, and just like a computer that is processing a long and difficult task everything eventually became logical and had an explanation.

I suppose the old saying that what doesn't kill you will make you wiser and stronger really does apply. However, it is a school that I would not wish for anyone else to have to attend.

Tor

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nance replied on Tue, Sep 8 2009 1:36 AM

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I am so awfully sorry to hear about all this, Tor, but glad to see you here again.  Welcome back!

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Madman replied on Tue, Sep 8 2009 7:33 AM

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Wow, I can't even begin to imagine Tor.

I will keep you in my prayers. May you find peace with what happened.

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Tor replied on Tue, Sep 8 2009 3:59 PM

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For quite a while I have had at the back of my mind the possibility of writing a book based on my experiences with and knowledge of complementary and self-help methods of managing diabetes. Now seems like a good time both because I need to focus on getting myself back on track, and to take my mind off the negative stuff I've been having to deal with every day since I learned of my wife's death. I know from my own past experience that being diagnosed and told that I have a progressive desease that can be both limb and life threatening is pretty scary. I also know the exalting feeling of discovering what regular walking, balanced and healthy eating and stress management can do in improving blood sugar readings. Hopefully there will be something worth sharing there.

Tor